Teaching Through the Tantrum: How to Handle Big Feelings Without Yelling or Giving In
- Kelsey Flores
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
Tantrums are one of the hardest parts of parenting young children.
One minute everything is fine. The next, your child is on the floor screaming, crying, or throwing toys—and you’re wondering:
Do I comfort them? Ignore it? Discipline them? Am I doing this wrong?
If you’ve ever felt stuck in that moment, you’re not alone. And the truth is—tantrums aren’t a parenting failure. They’re a normal part of child development.
What matters most isn’t whether tantrums happen—but how we respond when they do.
Why Tantrums Happen (And Why They’re Not Personal)
Tantrums happen because young children don’t yet have the brain development to regulate big emotions on their own.
They feel things deeply—but they don’t yet have:
The language to express it
The skills to calm their bodies
The impulse control to pause and think
So emotions come out the only way they can: loudly.
That doesn’t mean your child is manipulative, spoiled, or “too much. ”It means their nervous system is overwhelmed—and they need support to learn how to handle it.
Gentle Parenting Doesn’t Mean No Boundaries
One of the biggest misconceptions about gentle parenting is that it means letting kids do whatever they want.
In reality, effective gentle parenting is about:
Validating feelings
Holding firm, loving boundaries
Teaching skills instead of punishing behavior
You can be understanding and consistent. You can acknowledge frustration without giving in. You can stay calm without shutting emotions down.
The key is knowing what to do in the moment, when emotions are high.
A Simple Framework for Handling Tantrums
Instead of reacting on the fly, it helps to have a clear plan.
Here’s a simplified version of the approach I teach parents:
1. Support the Feelings
Your child needs to feel safe before anything else can happen. You don’t need to fix the feeling—just acknowledge it.
“I see you’re really frustrated. I’m here.”
This alone can lower intensity faster than logic or discipline.
2. Calm the Body
Big emotions live in the body, not the brain.
Breathing, movement, or sensory input helps children regulate when words don’t work yet.
This is where simple calm-down strategies (like breathing exercises or gentle pressure) are powerful—especially when practiced regularly.
3. Flip to a Positive Mindset
Once emotions settle, children can begin shifting out of frustration.
Helping them notice something positive or grounding around them can gently reset their nervous system and prepare them for problem-solving.
4. Problem-Solve Together
This is where learning happens.
When your child is calm, you can talk about:
What happened
How it felt
What to do next time
How to repair if needed
This teaches emotional intelligence—not fear.
Why Teaching During Tantrums Matters
Tantrums are uncomfortable—but they’re also opportunities.
When handled with calm structure, children learn:
How to name emotions
How to calm their bodies
How to work through frustration
How to trust you as a safe presence
These are lifelong skills—not just toddler ones.
Want a Step-by-Step Plan You Can Use Right Away?
If this approach resonates with you, I created a short, practical guide to walk you through it in more detail.
Teaching Through the Tantrum
A Gentle Guide to Turning Meltdowns Into Learning Moments
Inside the guide, you’ll find:
A clear, repeatable tantrum framework
Exactly what to say (and what to avoid)
Kid-friendly calming strategies
Guidance on boundaries and logical consequences
Help teaching apologies and emotional repair
It’s written from both professional and personal experience—as a mom of two, with a background in child development and years as a preschool and elementary school teacher.
This guide is for parents who want to stay calm, connected, and confident—even when emotions run high.
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